Missing someone just don't know who!

O.k...it's almost 2:30 am and I am still up! That has become the usual for me now a days and I can't shake this feeling that I am missing someone horribly bad but I don't know who it is. The feeling won't go away and I can't get it to stop. It's starting to really get me down. It's hard to explain but it's just like a part of me is gone and I can't get it back. Is it punishment for something I have done in my past?

I just can't get past this feeling. I know that lately I have been pushing people away! I hate when I do that but I fell I have to, to protect myself from getting hurt. Sometimes I become to reliant on people and when I do that I become devastated when I don't hear from them in awhile or they are busy or even on vacation! It's horrible and I can't be like that anymore. It's like loosing your leg but you get that feeling it's still there and then you look down and it's not!

I try to remember that people love me and care for me it still doesn't help the situation any, because they are not here and they can't help me figure out why I feel like something is missing. Heck maybe I lost my marbles and just noticed there are gone! (poor attempt at humor) It's just a weird feeling that is keeping me awake and depressed. Like I need more of that. I have enough going on in my life right now and I don't need more.

I have to quit school and get a job because we can't afford where we are living right now. I don't even know what kind of job I can get because of my back. I can't lift anything over 5lbs. I have no clue but hopefully something will come up if not I will suck it up and deal with the pain! Why does it always have to be complicated for me. I just need a break in life and I can't ever seem to get one! I need a new bed, can't afford one. The one I have is killing my back and making it worse but I have to suck it up and deal with it. Those are just a few of my issues. I can never catch a break and that's why I don't want to get to close to people and if I do I have to push them away because I don't want them to have things start to happen to them like it does to me! Well....I'ts time that I get some sleep!

Poem

My tears they fall silently

Sudden and strong

I cannot stop them

I wish they were gone

Why am I crying

The answer I do not know

Is it depression

Weather unlike the snow

It is times like these

I wish to be alone

but I do need a friend

I should pick up the phone

Pen to paper

I don't know any other way

All the pain and feelings

Everything I have to say

I'll fall asleep

Crying as I do

Wash away my worries

I am who?

another,

Leave me alone

You say you understand

Then go!

I don't want to hear your stories

I don't need your pain

Just let me be

Don't tell me to let it go

I can't

I wish I could

Maybe someday I will

Emotions come up fast

It snuck up on me

I wasn't prepared

It was all so fast

Didn't know how to handle it

I was just left to deal with it

Writing helps me deal

So leave me alone

I don't need your help

I can do this alone

Or can I?

Poem

Here we go...

I cut myself

Why?

Because I can

Because its' the only pain that I can control

Because it makes me feel larger than life.

But mostly, its because I feel like there's no hope left

Don't tell me that I need help

I've done it all

Those shrinks don't do a thing for me

My friends squirm away from the topic

They don't like when I talk about those things

They care about me, I know that

But what can they do to help me?

Nothing

I want them to be there for me, but I'm afraid to let them get clsoe

One too many times have I been hurt by someone close to me

One too many times has someone else cause me pain

So now, I bring pain upon myself

Cutting isn't just something I did when I tried everything else

Cutting myself has a meaning to me

If I cause myself this pain, then I beat everyone else to the punch

Now, when someone stands me up or bullies me, I'm already used to the pain

No one can stop me

They all try

They all tell me it's stupid

They all tell me that it's wrong

They talk about how bad they have it

But what they don't know is that it only makes things worse

So just stop, Okay?

Just let me do this

I understand that I could one day kill myself

Just let me do this

Sometimes life gets to be to much, and I want to die

But I never can

Know why?

Because I've controlled my cutting

And I know the risks

So, let me tell you something

I like what I do

Why do you want to take that away from me

Do you want me unhappy?

I'm dealing with life, aren't I?

If I was running from it, would I still be alive?

I don't think so!

Now you know what goes on in my mind

It might be different for other cutters, but this is how it is for me

This is real, so I won't pretend like it isn't

I won't hide it or lie about it

I cut myself!

Welcome to the New Year!

Tomorrow is a new year! I can only hope to try and put the past behind me but it is so hard when it is apart of my everyday life. I have to try and continue to learn from the past everyday so I don't make the same mistakes again. Things between my husband and I have been getting better and better over the days and weeks. I hope it only continues to go that way! I don't get to spend much time with my son since my back injury has limited me in every aspect of my life. I miss him so much every day and wish that he could spend his weeks with me! His grandmother is great she has been taking care of him since my back has gotten worse.

To be totally honest with myself I am scared of what the New Year brings! I don't need another bad year. I have had many good things happen this year but I have also had a lot of bad things happen also. Sometimes I can't control my thoughts and it get's harder the later at night it gets. I can't sleep well because of my back but i'm afraid that they will only get worse.

I also hope to loose some weight in the new year because I look at myself as disgustingly fat! I need to loose 60 lbs and I would be happy. I doubt that will happen and everyday I see how disgusting I look it makes me even more depressed. I feel like I have nothing left in my life. I don't see how I can make anyone's life any better. I am just a dragging weight and somebody needs to cut the chain.

A little something I wrote! I'm not talented but its just how I feel.

Bad, bad girl

To have these thoughts

You don't think this way

You can't feel this way

Because we say so

Overly dramatic

Your emotions don't exist

Bad, exaggerating girl

Attention seeking, lying

Because we say so

Waste of everything

Weak, stupid, unwanted

You want someone to care?

Bad, selfish girl

That kind of friendship

Only exists is stories

No one is here for you

No one care for you

Bad, bad girl

Self-fulfilling prophecy

You can't win either way

We hate you

No matter what you do

We tear you down

Without a second thought

Without any regret

And it's your fault

Bad, bad girl

Feel the way we think you should

Take control of yourself

You're a stupid girl

For feeling the way you do

Lazy, pessimistic, your fault

You do this to yourself

Just ignore yourself

Feel the way we tell you to

Be the way we judge you to be

No matter what you do

You will always be a

Bad, bad girl

No one can care about a

Bad, bad girl

My past!

I have never done this before so I am going to give it a try. When I was 14 or maybe a little older I made my first trip to the Psychiatric Ward at Covenant Hospital in Waterloo Iowa. I was there for a couple of days. I don't remember much but crying a lot because I wanted to go home and the other kids scared me there. I was put on some medication and sent home. The doctor that put me on medication couldn't speak English very well and I could hardly understand him. He scared me.

The next time I was put in the Psychiatric Ward at the same hospital was when I was in High School. The teacher had seen me cutting on my ankle with a paper clip. Then a few days later I had a nervous break down in school and couldn't stop crying and they didn't know what to do with me. The first boyfriend I had ever had broke up with me and I thought my world was ending. I didn't know how to deal with that because I have never had anyone just up and leave my life that I had been so close to.

Over the next couple of years I had been on and off medication for awhile and I never took it when I was supposed to and went weeks to months without it. I didn't think I needed it. My parents worked a lot and were not home much of the day and even when we had summer vacation. The funny thing is I can't remember a whole lot from my childhood. I hardly remember anything at all. People say I just choose not to remember it but I honestly can't and it has been an ongoing problem with some people.

I graduated from Oelwein Alternative High School in 2003 and went to Hamilton University and received a diploma in Computer Science. The day I graduated from there I was fired from my job because I didn't get along with another employee. She was spreading rumors about me and I confronted her about it and things went bad. I never hurt her at all the manager just didn't want two employees that didn't get along.

I then moved to North Carolina and was living with a boyfriend at the time. I had a few jobs there and one of them wasn't the most respectable job but it paid the bills. I was there for a couple of months and I came home one day after a night shift at the gas station I was working at. My boyfriend at the time who I was going to marry most have snapped or something because he had started to choke me. I don't remember much just the cops were called and I was still unconscious at the time and they had to pull him off of me.

I then returned back home to Iowa to live with my father who was about to be remarried. I stayed there for a couple of months and then went into the military for awhile. I was then returned home from the Army because I had torn my ACL and wasn't allowed to stay anymore. I had to move into this apartment that I hated very much and was really lonely and didn't hardly talk to anyone. I did not go to my fathers wedding because I did not get along with my soon to be step mother. One day I decided to get high with the neighbor and wasn't going to take it anymore. I swallowed all the medication I had left for my migraine's and went for a walk. I ended up in the hospital. I was released a week later and had to see a therapist the next day. I went to meet with her and told her that I was still suicidal. She would not let me leave unless my mother or the police came and took me.

My mom took me across the street to MHI in Independence. I stayed there for about 16 hours and was so scared of everyone there I told them I had PMS and they let me leave. The next day I checked myself into St. Lukes in Cedar Rapids. I was treated by a great doctor who kept me there for 32 days. Got me on some medication that worked some and I was sent to live in a Residential Care Facility.

I spent the next year and 2 days in the RCF's. There they had changed my medication so many times that I don't think any of them had a chance to work. I convinced them enough to get out of the care facility and into my own apartment for the first time. I was on Social Security and was doing ok for the first time in a long time.

I fell in with a bad crowd and started to do drugs. I was dating a guy I met in the RCF and we went out a couple of times. He never let me meet his parents or anything because he was embarrassed of me. Over the next couple of months that I was seeing him I became pregnant with his son. He denied that the child was his and changed his phone number and moved so I could not get a hold of him at all. I was all alone in dealing with the pregnancy. I was scared and all alone. I had no clue what to do so I moved to Independence to be closer to my mother. She had helped me out some and I was able to have a beautiful son at 9 lbs 6 ounces 21 and a quarter inches long. He was a big boy with a huge appetite.

The day after they sent us home from the hospital the nurse came by to check him and he had jaundice so bad that he had to be taken back to the hospital for 4 days to be placed under the blue lights. I was scared for him and was also exhausted from being up all day and night. Doing all the work on my own was so hard but I was managing very well. I ended up moving back to Cedar Rapids because I wasn't getting help from my mother anymore. After the paternity test came back positive his father decided that he wasn't going to see his son until after the holidays. he seen him when he was about 7 months old.

His father would come over every now and then for a couple of hours to see his son but not more than 2 hours at a time. I was still all alone in taking care of my son. I did not have time to worry about me and my mental illness. I could not deal with it because I had so much on my plate. I was a single mother with no help from anyone. I was in some bad shape but I never let anyone know about it because if they knew I would get my son taken from me and that was the last thing I ever wanted to have happen. His father started to become more active in his life after he turned 1 and started taking him over night on the weekends. I was actually starting to get time to myself. I didn't know what to do with this time. So I cleaned and did my shopping without the baby.

My son is now 2 and a half years old and I just recently spent 2 weeks in the hospital for depression. The first time since before my son was born. I just couldn't take not feeling well anymore I had been doing it for to long.

That is just my background and this begins my blog.....